Lost Time
by Giniethewriter
Summary: An alternative ending to the Glee season finale 2 where Rachel comes in the library to comfort Finn. This time, it's Finn who goes to the library to talk to Rachel.. what does she realize and who does she see afterwards? St.berry story..
1. Chapter 1

Author: Hi everyone who is reading this! This is the first chapter of my first story and I'm still trying to get accustomed to the ways of Fanfiction..( sigh )..but I still Love being on it. It was supposed to be a one-shot but I decided to have Finn come in on the next chapter or the chapter after that one, so this is basically Rachel's thoughts while she's in the library thinking about her real motive as to why she kissed Finn. ( Instead of Finn in the library I switched it up to make it Rachel out of pure curiosity.) Anyway, you probably want to get on to reading the story so here it is!

Disclaimer: Maybe I'll own Glee in my fantasized Dream world where Jesse and Rachel are already married in New York. I don't own Glee and I never will..

I sat quietly in the abandoned library without sound, my mind being permeated with thousands of arguments in my head. It felt like my brain was having a hard time concentrating on anything that happened yesterday at the competition, especially the events that unfolded during our group's performance. I breathed out a shaky sigh, remembering how my stupidity finally overcame my actions that night. I recalled how I followed his lead and moved closer to him while we were singing, and kissed him. I swiftly moved my hand to my face, trying to cover every part of it's features out of complete confusion and humiliation at the slight memory of his lips against mine.

Suddenly, I regained my posture and attempted to get a deep hold of myself without thinking about it. I am Rachel Berry after all, and even if I had completed the worst action possible in my life and felt a basket of guilty emotions clouding over me, I knew I couldn't stay in this pathetic funk forever and had to move on with my life. I took a breath in slowly and searched myself to find every detail that occurred in the moment that destroyed New Directions chances to compete in the next step of high-level performing.. and the extra chance of you being known into the Broadway world.. another voice in my head longingly whispered. I scolded myself for even passing that idiotic statement through my better senses. Glee Club losing at Nationals was not going to affect my chances of being well-known, I told myself.

But then I started to reflect on the possible likelihood that if I hadn't had the urge to kiss Finn and we would have been declared into the top ten, I would have received more notice throughout my career. I repeatedly shook off that concept until it faded away, and went back to trying to find out the full answer for why I kissed Finn instead of wondering what my results would have been transformed into if I hadn't. I didn't know if I had feelings for him or not either, it was a difficult process of love with Finn Hudson. I knew one thing that was exactly true in our relationship. When Finn was with Quinn Fabray or any other girl for that matter, my heart ended up feeling lonely and lost without him. But when I was a real couple with Finn, and not the make-believe one I always imagine when we're not together, a surge of total disappointment and failed hope made it's way to me.

I wanted to be with him but on the other hand, I really didn't. I didn't want to be hurt with what he does and when he absentmindedly lowers my self-esteem whenever he points out my faults jokingly. I didn't want to be reminded of how he would never become the dream

boy I'd wanted him to be ever since we had started dating Last year. I felt tears beginning to fill my eyes as I thought about the authentic reason as to why I had kissed Finn on that stage and refuse to visit the destination of reality. But a 5-letter name forms in my head that I had wished to avoid from the moment I stepped foot in the library to ponder out the causes of my overwhelmed mood… Jesse.

Author: Ok, so this chapter is pretty short compared to the other ones I am going to write, but I still hope you enjoyed reading. Finchel Fans: I warn you now to slowly click out of my story if you're sensitive about Rachel and Jesse because you can tell it's basically all them by now. I might start writing some Finchel stories once I get used to writing on Fanfiction, but it's only this couple at the moment. Get ready for the next chapter because it's coming soon..


	2. Chapter 2

Author: This is the second chapter! I hope all of you enjoy it J I had to put my St. Berry heart to peace even though it's still not…

Disclaimer: Don't own glee and never will.

I hurt him. I knew I really, truly, undeniably hurt him. I just went on and left him standing when he tried to call my name after we found out about our 12th place gimpy reward. I didn't want to see his face after I knew I had pained him out in the audience, even if we weren't back together. He had made assumptions and figured after he had kissed me on that dark stage two days before, we were officially that cheerful and perfect couple again.

But he was definitely wrong in every possible way. Yes, he had come back and apologized for his terrible behavior towards me and we shared singing an Adele song-number flawlessly, but there was a difference this time. I wasn't that little girl who was innocently flattered when he commented on my performance of, "Don't rain on my parade," and stated it was missing Barbra's emotional depth. I wasn't certain that we were a pure match and I was better off without Finn after all. But most of all, I had experienced heartbreak in many forms this year that I hadn't when he had first met the naïve and captivating Rachel Berry.

What I found humorous is if my life was some sort of dramatic soap opera or a hammy life movie, is that most people would say, "Why are you causing yourself so much unnecessary agony about this boy? He made it clear he didn't love you anymore when he cracked that egg on your forehead that day! Sure, he came back to McKinley to apologize to you, but it was probably because the guilt was eating him alive when he left you in the middle of that parking lot!"

You have to understand I know I have to believe all of that is true, but there is a point in why I forgave him without a second thought when he tried to bury the hatchet about the whole egg incident: As much as I tell myself I don't have any feelings for him, I can't help but feel as if I'm lying to myself every SINGLE time.

It seems like I'm drilling my mind with useless statements that don't make even the slightest sense. I don't want to keep being in love with him, but I can't force myself to be OUT of love with him too. A bucket of realization suddenly poured on me, and I knew I didn't want to admit the embarrassing truth. I was scared. I was pathetically fearful of the consequences of being with Jesse St. James. I wasn't over what he did to me last year, because I had lost a barrel of trust I thought I carried in our relationship that hadn't really even existed.

Questions pop into my mind one by one, as if waiting impatiently for their answers. Was I supposed to feel extreme satisfaction at this moment? Was I supposed to think I had won some kind of weird victory by showing Jesse I didn't need him in the most unexpected way? I had seen this act played out in most of the DVD's I owned at my house in my sappy movie collection, right next to daddy's set of Frank Sinatra CDs.

Plus, I had never had the wanting to plan out a procedure of revenge to make Jesse feel bad after the egging scene.

I'd only felt like a reality TV show host had come out of nowhere and said, "Guess what? That guy over there doesn't really love or care about you! Yeah, it was all a sick joke to remind you that you've always been stupid and clueless when it comes to being in a relationship with a boy and you fell for it."

I hadn't even realized I was crying until I felt a wet substance drip onto my arm silently. I was immensely frustrated at myself for letting out my emotions over a long-forgotten incident that I thought I had been over, and I immediately reached up to my face to keep the blurry tears from continuing to fall. I was stronger than this.

Suddenly, the door opened from the back side of the library and I immediately sat up straighter than before. Who was coming in the library? It was probably staff from the community or the library teacher. But then my mind wanders off to new possibilities of who it could be. What if it was someone from Glee club?

I didn't want them to see me like this, especially after what I did to them all. But then I finally saw who it was when the image reached the Fiction center and walked closer towards me. It was Finn. I felt mildly annoyed as I looked at him for the first time, I really didn't want to talk to him right now. He probably came in here to try to have a conversation with me about, "The kiss of the century," or the "Superman of kisses," as he had stated earlier.

"Rachel," Finn said calmly, expecting me to respond.

I waited a couple seconds before I cleared my throat and gave him a tiresome greeting.

"Hello Finn. I'm surprised you're not with the rest of the group. I suppose you're here to talk to me about Nationals of course?" I said without stopping to catch my breath.

"What are you doing here Rach?" he stated, ignoring my statement.

"I came here to think. Whenever I have a problem on my mind or just want to process all my thoughts..I come here," I said with a predictable tone.

He walked over to where I was sitting and sat down instead of continuing our uneasy dialogue, not that this was any better.

"Everybody hates us," I stated without thinking.

"They'll get over it eventually Rachel."

He tried to move nearer to my body to attempt to close the distance between us, but it just increased the awkward manner we were both in. I decided to attain some answers from

him, instead of not doing anything at all. I got rid of my hesitation and asked..

"What were you feeling in that moment?"

He looked down at his hands before replying.

"That I loved you. That I would have done or said anything, just to kiss you at that time."

With an abrupt silence, I perceive that in this whole story I appear to look like the bad guy. Culpableness rises up inside of me and I can't believe I don't feel the same way about him. I know I never will again.

"Was it worth it?" I asked him, wanting to know if his feelings for me were really enough to sabotage our dreams for the entire club.

"Yes."

That final word makes me suddenly have the urge to run out of the library out of complete regret for asking the question. I knew what he was going to say next and I wanted more than anything, to go back in time and wish I hadn't said anything at all. But I acted innocently glad and faked a slight smile. What was I doing? Shouldn't I be honest with him?

"Was it worth it for you?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat and gave him an immediate response.

"Yeah, it was."

Wow. Rachel Berry doesn't lie about her feelings to someone else, especially a boy who thinks she shares the same love for him as he does. But I don't want to crush his feelings today and see his depressed reaction, ( or any day for that matter) so I decide to leave it at that. Heartbreak can wait another moment for both of us, I thought. I realized Finn was staring at me and I grab his hand and stand up before the thought of kissing me again slips into his head.

"Where are we going?" he asked curiously, putting on that goofy and playful small grin I used to adore.

"Glee Club meeting of the year," I responded in my usual Rachel Berry fashion.

Finn stood up and we walked out of the library together. I had no idea what was going to happen, but I knew I had to stop this lying right now. This wasn't me. As we started to make our way to the classroom before the hall got too crowded, something caught my eye. I knew those designer boots anywhere. The boy I spotted turned around, and my breathing speeds up just by looking at him again since the night of Nationals. He met my eye, and searched my face for a sign of any emotion. But I was expressionless as we kept on staring at each other. He begins to walk over to me, and panic hits me. What were we going to say? What was he doing at Mckinley?

"Finn, I'll meet you in there okay? I think I forgot something," I told Finn, thinking it best he shouldn't be here while I talked to Jesse at this moment.

He blankly agreed and left me alone. I looked back at Finn for a slight second before I heard a deep voice speak my name. A voice that had made me fall in love, have a broken heart unlike any other, and had tried to fix the remains left of it when he came back.

"Rachel… I expected to find you here, After all, the library is your thinking spot," Jesse said jokingly, tilting his head at the door that scripted LIBRARY and trying to make it seem like nothing had happened yesterday.

"Yes it is," I told him with a small smile. I can tell we're not being our usual comfortable selves. I couldn't help but think again, what was he doing here?

"I came back to bid my farewells to Mr. Shue and take back my belongings or materials I had left here," he told me as if reading my mind.

Even I knew he hadn't brought any materials or possessions when he was judging the Glee club, except a pen and a clip-board. And the farewell to Mr. Shue.. It didn't take a genius to sense that he couldn't care less about saying goodbye to the Glee club teacher.

I took this moment to examine what kind of clothes he was wearing. I saw he had on a black jacket with two pockets at the front, a grey simple shirt, black pants, and the same designer boots I had seen not too long ago.

I sensed he was beginning to feel unusual since we were just standing there, unsure of what the right thing to say was.

"I kind of have to go now Rach, I don't want to miss my flight," he said, trying to seem nonchalant. For a second, I thought I saw a flash of hurt cross his face.

He finally turned around once I didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry," I managed to sputter out. He said his peace to me and apologized for the past, now it was my turn to let go of my regrets with two words.

He turned back around and just stared.

"I'm sorry," I repeated again. It sounded like I was talking to myself instead of him, since he wasn't answering or accepting my forgiveness.

He grabbed my arm and held my hand in his, as if it was an expected movement. We both heard the door from the choir room creak open, and we jumped at the sound. Finn appeared in the doorway, closing the door behind him.

"Mr. Shue told me to find you and tell you that we're starting the class now," he stated.

His eyes wandered around until the looking around stopped when he saw Jesse holding my hand. His expression changed to befuddled and simple anger when he saw I wasn't moving my hand away.

"Jesse, how many times do you have to realize she doesn't want you ," he said sternly, walking over to where we were standing and pulling my hand away from Jesse's. I looked at Finn with a horrified expression.

"Finn! Stop! You can't tell me what I can't do!" I yelled at him.

Finn's eyes widened at my outburst.

"I was just trying to help YOU Rach. I don't want you to feel some sort of pity for him when all we did was create the most amazing kiss in the world," he told me, smiling purposely at Jesse at the last part.

Why was he acting like this? Memories came back to me of all the fights me and Finn had had when we were dating..and how jealousy got in the way. I didn't want to replay the role of that girl I didn't like to be when I was with him. I completely understood my feelings for Finn, they were just imaginative. I wanted to speak up and to tell him all of that, but Finn was still talking and not leaving.

"I mean after all, it WAS the…," Finn started boasting about how wonderful the kiss was again.

"The superman of kisses, it deserved it's own cape. You already told me six times douche bag," Jesse finished with a chuckle at the end.

Finn's eyes darkened at the last insult.

"Finn, please go. Tell Mr. Shue I'll be right out, but this is important. He'll understand," I told him, exasperation clear in my voice this time.

"But Rachel, I don't think…"

"Just go Finn! She wants to talk to me so just leave us alone!" Jesse finally shot at Finn, raising his eyebrows as if he was going to raise up a challenge if Finn declined..again.

Finn looked at both of us and gave up with a disappointed expression, leaving us to stand there awkwardly.

Author's note: So, That's the second chapter. I wanted to put Rachel's feelings about everything out there in the open. Feel free to review!


	3. Chapter 3

Author's note: This is the third and last chapter! =)

Discalimer: Let me put it this way: Finchel is together. Yeah...no. I do not own Glee because I ship Finn and loneliness.

A moment of silence passed as none of us did anything.

"You know what's funny?" Jesse asked me out of nowhere, breaking the tension that had started to begin.

I looked up at him, curious to find out what he found so amusing right now.

"I never thought I'd be here," he told me quietly, earning a puzzled look from me.

"I mean.. I never thought I'd be here, in front of you right now. After the egg incident, I hadn't expected to come back, It just started to.. kill me. Something was changing me inside and I didn't want to blame myself for doing what I did to you because that's the kind of asshole I am. But I knew it was me. I expected you'd move on. Have other memories with other people.. like Finn. Actually, I really hoped you and Finn would be together in the end. He could mend you from what I did.. so I wouldn't have to be here right now. But then I started realizing something so much more important. I didn't care. I mean.. I really didn't give a damn if you were with Finn when I came back, I just wanted to see you. Of course I wanted you to be better off without me, but I couldn't stay away. I tried to talk myself out of it but I just couldn't. And when I make my mind up about something I want to do, I don't think what the consequences will be before I do it. I expect things to work out fine and be alright again, but they end up horrible and..hurt. You probably know that from experience.. When I came back, I wanted things to be back to normal in some messed up way. I wanted to show up In the auditorium, hear you sing, and for you to run back into my arms with that smile that I love," Jesse chuckled, stopping to stare at me with nostalgia in his eyes.

"But no way in hell would that happen. We changed. You changed. Not in a bad way, just different. I felt you were stronger this year. You were ready to take the world by storm. I thought that you were fine now. I didn't need to stay any longer.. but I couldn't go. It only made me fall in love with you all over again. I decided to go to Prom with Sam, Mercedes, and you. I thought it would give us the chance to catch up..but it only made things worse. We weren't us there. It felt like we were both playing a role to act like we were alright. You forgave me so quickly! Of course I wanted you to forgive me, but I didn't know you would try to get rid of me that easy. And then that idiotic fight with Finn.. It's not even worth talking about. When Sue kicked us out of that place, I drove to Heyster's Hotel to think about what I was doing here in Lima. So I stayed at Mckinley to help all of you with Nationals to give us another chance .. But I couldn't help but feel angry at the world. I kept remembering how you looked at Finn when you were singing that song at prom, it tore my heart apart. Sure I was smiling but inside.. I wanted you to look at ME like that again. I wanted you to have the longing to be with me again. I know it seems like I'm a selfish jerk when I'm with you sometimes.. But you make me like that Rachel."

"It's so frustrating sometimes! Only two things make me act that way.. Competition and you. Because those are the most important things in my life..they're always going to be the most significant things in my life. And when I think about someone trying to take one of those two things away from me.. It drives me mad. When I kissed you that afternoon in the auditorium, I invented this illusory notion that we could make things alright again with us. I thought we could be together if we wanted to. Nationals came and I was worrying about what would happen there with you and Finn. I agree that it's not my place to be worried about someone that's not even my girlfriend yet, but I couldn't help it. I was literally checking my phone every five minutes. You texted me saying no boys involved during the competition and I trusted you. On the night of the competition, I came to see you. My body was already at the airport and paying for a ticket to go to New York before my mind realized exactly what I was doing there. I saw you and you were amazing Rachel. The way you sang with emotion.. I couldn't keep my eyes off of you. I didn't even pay attention to that loser lowlife next to you- I mean Finn. I noticed you two were getting closer and closer and I couldn't process the clear scene that was going to happen before me. I wanted to get out of the auditorium as fast as my legs could carry me. But I stayed and watched as he did it. The whole place became as quiet as a depressing funeral, and I wasn't able to bear it. I asked Mr. Shue if the kiss was scripted, and he obviously said no as I sat there like an unwanted idiot."

"I suddenly heard a very strange noise being filled all over the room, a breaking noise. As if someone next to me had taken a stack of vases and had threw it across the large area. I looked next to me, but It seemed like I was the only one who had heard it. I felt like I was completely broken, so I guess I made it seem as if something inside me had literally stopped working. I sat there through the other performances and left the auditorium to see you for the last time. I saw you and Finn together and a bizarre emotion came over me. Like this whole thing wasn't really happening and I would wake up to find myself in my L.A apartment again. But this was happening. So I tried my best to put my acting skills to work and plastered on a fake smile as best as I could, I didn't want you to see me torn up like that.

"I walked over to you and Finn and I was relieved to find you were able to not see through me, when I told you how amazing you looked and that you just shouldn't have kissed Finn. When you asked me what I was doing in New York, I wanted to run away from all of this and hide. Then Finn had to stop me and did that stupid speech about the kiss and how I was jealous because I was seeing two people who loved each other, and I decided to look over to you. I saw your face Rachel, and things started to look a little bit better. You had the happiest face on and you looked like you had met Bernadette Peters or something. I want you to be happy Rach, so I made the decision that I had to move on with my life like you did. No one can hold on to the past, but I guess I did a pretty good job of trying to. Finn left to talk to anybody else about the kiss, as if they hadn't all already SEEN it. We were left alone together for just a couple of moments. You turned around and I called your name, and you didn't answer. You kept walking. I should have known I was dreaming. I guess I'm just used to receiving things I wanted in life. It's funny because even though I've had everything given to me when I was a kid, before my step-father died of cancer and my mom actually DID care about what I would do with myself, the one thing that I truly need.. I can't have. And now.. I'm here in front of you.. Trying to convince you I came back to this school for a broken pencil and a clip-board that smells like urine. That's what I needed to say to you.. All of it. I'm sorry if it's not what you expected but it's reality in my world," Jesse finished off, breathing out a deep sigh after the last sentence.

I had no idea how to respond to what he just told me. He really cared? He hadn't only come back because of the guilt surrounding his mind? Getting rid of him easily? Had I acted like that when I thought I was uncontrollably in love with Finn? As pathetic as it sounded, I wanted to start crying like there was no tomorrow. But was that really going to help us? I just pressed my hand harder into his, and took a long moment to take in everything he told me.

"I hate what happened to us," I whispered.

"I hate that we can't forget.. I still care about you deeply.. As much as I was the day we first sang together. It's not something I can.. Talk myself in or out of.. It's something that's just.. there! Can't you understand that?" I placed my hand on my forehead, and felt it was burning hot.

He looked at me with a clearly surprised face.

"I was acting too.. Everything. At first, I thought I maybe had feelings for Finn but now I know it's nothing. Nothing is ever going to be there anymore. I wasn't smiling a real smile out of happiness! I was putting on my show face so I could figure things out in the library, before I did something I regretted later on. I've hurt so many people Jesse, even the boy that I care about so much. Which is you, if you didn't know it- I want you to believe me so much! I was falling in love with you again too! Wait, that's not true. I wasn't even over you yet, so there was no possible way of falling in love with someone I was already in love with. I can't believe how many times I've said the word love right now! But it's natural and normal because I can't think of any other word right now that shows you what I mean when I tell you I don't like Finn! Which is surprising with my advanced vocabulary since second grade-" My non-stop blabbering was cut off by Jesse's lips crushed against mine. I opened my eyes wide and I kissed him back with everything I was feeling since Nationals. After a moment or two, I finally pulled away.

"So I'm taking it that you believe me right? Because if you don't, it's really frustrating Jesse! I mean I explained my response with so much emotional depth and truthful adoration-" I was cut off by once again, Jesse going back in to kiss me. This time, he was the one who pulled away and moved the hair out of my eyes. He smirked at me and smiled the way he had when I had first met him. When we didn't have any history together.. or any perennial memories to erase.

"Rach, I believe you. Don't worry, I really do. We need to figure things out! This whole thing is getting out of hand when it shouldn't even have to be so dramatic! I love you and I want to be with you and.. you're missing your class right now.." Jesse said, looking at the clock above us with a far-sighted expression.

I laughed and it felt so wonderful to be able to do that with him again..

"What are we going to do now?" Jesse asked me with a serious expression.

"I don't want to lose you now because of long-distance. You know I have to go back to L.A to retake my classes," Jesse said sadly.

"You won't lose me," I answered quickly.

"We're not going to let that happen to us. We're going to be strong and stay together.. Even in rough times. I don't' care if anybody thinks I'm being stupid and pathetic. We've changed in a better way Jesse." I smiled at him thoughtfully.

"I know we won't. I can't do that anymore anyways. I'm too theatrically attached to you now again," he responded knowingly..

I walked over to him and held his hand again, since we'd let it go halfway through the conversation. He hugged me tight and kissed my forehead, I sighed. I had missed this so much, I thought. We sat down on the floor, and I stared at the clock. I honestly didn't care if I missed this one class, it was worth it.

"What is exciting is not for one person to be stronger than the other . . . but for two people to have met their match and yet they are equally as stubborn, as obstinate, as passionate, as crazy as the other," Jesse quietly recited a quote from Barbra Streisand, only audible for me to hear. I laid my head on his shoulder comfortably, not that I needed to try to be relaxed when I was with him.. feeling secure with Jesse arrived naturally.

"I couldn't agree more," I whispered back, hoping we would stay in this position for the rest of our lives before unneeded angst and morose would try to drive into our unbreakable bond.

Author's note: This is the ending chapter and I hope everyone who has been reading from the start enjoyed it.. This was my first Fanfic and I had a large amount of fun writing it. St berry shippers: I believe we needed an alternative ending of the season finale.. I mean come on. Who else wasn't happy about the closure we got with Jesse. Please feel free to review my three-shot story.. :)


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